Now as the third trimester evolves, and week 32 creeps up to meet me, I still feel empowered. No longer am I counting up the weeks but rather counting down the weeks until I hope to meet our beloved Kiddo. I have had a few ‘eek’ moments, lying awake in the night with horrendous restless legs, cramps and itchiness, and wondering how to prepare myself for the unknown of labour. But then I remind myself that my intuition and trust in my body has moved me this far, and so I just have to trust that she will carry me through D-Day and the early days of motherhood too. I have still been super active through these first 4 weeks of this trimester, although the jogging is easing into a routine of more and more swimming. I head to the pool three or so times a week to swim with my mother, a gift in itself as we share laps and time together. I have also used creativity throughout this entire journey to balance out the mental load of work, the time with people, and then also the physical outputs. Sitting quietly drawing, painting or writing is something that harmonises me.

As the weeks continued to pass the nausea began to subside and the energy returned. The only challenge I faced was an increasing urge to pee… lots! I found that whilst I could ‘hold it, mostly’, being in the company of anyone other than my husband was really emotionally challenging. Admitting you need to pee for the second or third time on a jog isn’t easy, no matter how wonderful the friend. So, I began to hibernate and enjoy the company of the natural world more and more. I also found that this helped me to remain intuitively listening to my body’s callings, and keeping a lid on my own ego. I no longer felt that I needed to keep up with anyone, just tune in and go with the flow. I continued to exercise, perhaps even more than during the first trimester, but never hard nor pushing my body too far. However, at our twenty week scan I was informed that our little one was scanning, well, a little bit little. I was again advised to reduce my energy expenditure to ‘a couple of short jogs a week plus a little walking’. Again, I have interpreted this in my own language and definitely reduced my output, picking up less intense forms of exercise such as swimming and cycling. I truly believe that there is a fine line between doing too much and doing enough. I have other friends who are going through or have been through this pregnancy journey and whom stopped everything, only to find their emotional wellbeing begin to downward spiral. As a dear friend and mentor said to me, ‘whilst you must stay safe and humble in this journey Han, you must also remember that your Kiddo chose you and your state of health.’

Dear 2020,

You will be remembered for a long time! You generated stories that we will share with our children, strengthened our social bonds, and unearthed the values that keep us ticking most authentically.

2020. I am so grateful for you and that you shifted the earth so that I was once again forced to stop, reflect and grow wilder. You have taught me many little lessons which I now want to reflect on with you.

This article appeared in The Mercury newspaper in response to the imminent release of my new memoir, Finding My Feet: My Story. I felt very vulnerable and exposed by the article's spotlight on my past challenges with Anorexia. However, since its release I have received overwhelming support & gratitude from my community. Thank you to everyone who has held a safe space for me to share my story, including both the highs and the struggles.

I just tripped over a root. The trail is at that annoyingly can-see can’t-see phase, where darkness meets dawn and dawn meets day. Under my head torch, the definition of the trail’s lumps and bumps cannot be identified. Damn it! I run around the trail’s bends, my thoughts curving one way and then another. Work to relationships. Niggling hamstring to the chill blains on my feet. Work again. Hammy again. What to have for breakfast? Dinner? Work yet again. Round and round and round I go. Running brings me so much calmness!?

​The following email was sent to me by a member of our wilder community. I found resonance in her correspondence because we all lose our mojo at times, buried by life’s shoulds. Today I write to help this individual, and in doing so, I hope to help all of us to find our mojo and live in alignment with our truth.
 
Q: …After injuries and then life struggles, my current problem is that I should be training for an event in October. I have your Training Planner and know I should have commenced a few weeks ago. But again, I am my own worst enemy and I am finding that I lack motivation. I am probably beyond hope and really, I guess this email is more about me offloading to share my struggles and frustrations. I guess what I was hoping you might be able to tell me is - How to get back on track? How do I get past feeling a little afraid to go out on my own again, even when I know I’m fine and I will love it? How do I find my motivation again to get the work done? How do I push myself to actually follow advice and a plan? Where do I start!?
 
Here is my reply:

​At the end of 2005 I teetered on one leg, wondering how I was ever going to return to my competitive dreams. An ankle reconstruction threatened my future sporting career. Following this, life threw even more curve balls my way and I felt like I was stuck in a hole. But what kept me alive was a big, hairy, audacious dream. I wanted to be a World Champion!

When the day of the Junior World Titles in Lithuania arrived, I knew I would win. This was an ego-aside moment. Rather, there was simply no alternative. I was so prepared, mentally, physically and even spiritually, that the result was inevitable. I had done the work, tested my tools, and mentally rehearsed through all the challenges that might hit me in the race. I had stood on the tops of mountains and said my silent prayers, run through the moments of doubt, and through all of it, I had found utter joy in the journey to be there in that World Championship moment. Yep, I was so damn ready to be a World Champion.

I want this sure-fire confidence for you too. I want you to be your own champion! Damn it, I want it for me again too because there is no greater feeling than running along a wilder trail with self-confidence fuelling your engines.

Reader Comment: 
My struggle is that my work and personal life are feeling blurred. I now realise that the commute to work is a hard boundary but as I work from home I am not able to find this separation. My challenge is to find a new boundary at home because otherwise it becomes exhausting. I also have to consciously stop “overdoing it”, but rather to find time to slow down and go deep into quietness. Most of all, have gratitude that I still have a job ❤
 
My response:
After reading this comment that was made in response to my post on ‘hormonal stress’ I was inspired to write about some of the practical ways that I am trying to separate work, ‘training’ and home life. The challenge of establishing boundaries between work and ‘life’ within our homes is a real and crucially important one. It is a current issue but also a lesson that is invaluable to learn for longer term wellness. So, today I have decided to share what Graham and I are trying to do to create separation from our home and work environments.

Parks are closed. Trails too. Events are cancelled and we are dusting off our road-running shoes. Yes, we are living in a sensation of limited freedom. But today I share how it is the choices we make that will give us back our wings. Here are my suggestions for ensuring that you thrive through these challenges.
 

I recently toed the start line of the 102km Tarawera Ultra Marathon and I am not ashamed to say that my motivation was three pronged – to experience being ‘back in the action’, to see this beautiful New Zealand landscape, but also to prove a point to myself – I am an athlete!  

An unlikely story of strength and resilience
 
I am completely fascinated by the strength of our minds so over the last 12-months I have been studying advanced coaching techniques, such as Neurolinguistics Programming (how to reprogram our internal dialogue), hypnotic skills and visualization. This study has brought a huge year of growth and change, a welcome addition to my peak performance coaching.
 

This is a transcript from Find Your Feet Podcast Episode #48: Running the French Pyrenees. This podcast was a quiet ramble with myself, reflecting on this huge adventure that unfolded in July 2019. I hope you have the opportunity to listen to this podcast too..